Since Facebook was kind enough to remind me that I got my heart ripped out one year ago today, I guess I have little other choice than to recognize my liberation from the prison of my last exclusive relationship. And so, I celebrate my freedom, for relationships are supposed to enhance you, not turn you into a fucking stranger.
I have been overly cautious since then when meeting other guys, and I was never that girl before. I had always been a little reckless, insatiable, passionate. But as the relationship dragged on, many of what I honored as my best qualities were leached from me as I tried to overcompensate for his insecurities, and though he would never admit it, his lack of trust in me.
And so, I celebrate my freedom, for I am learning to trust again and be wild, passionate and unashamed for it, and a little bit more picky with my choice in lovers.
But also, I have become more jaded. I feel brittle sometimes and different. I’m not a walking flame of sex and I have been less willing to put up with the lies and self-delusions that men have presented as honesty. Everyone is not honest, yet many people think they are.
And now, I face the world with a broken heart on the mend. Healing never changes the fact that at one point you were hurt, but transforms you into something different.
Indeed, the world looks so different now that I can see the sunshine again.
I know there will be some who do not understand why I didn’t just leave when shit started going sideways. I wouldn’t have understood if it were happening to someone else and not to me. But whatever happened tested not only what others might refer to weakness, but for those of you who have been through it, then you all know that it takes a special mix of strength, faith, and love, and a mind that believes so much in those things that it is capable of rejecting the very rational action of leaving someone who is draining you. But we should all remember that leaching was once believed to be a curative, and yes, sometimes it worked and the sick became better…and sometimes, people die in the attempt to hold on to life.