A Secret Wife and Child: Men Will Lie About Anything

Yes, I know I shouldn’t be surprised, and honestly, I feel something other than that. It could be disappointment, whether in him or in me for believing all of his outrageous lies, only more time will make that clear. He was one of those conventionally attractive men that kind of gives you pause. Easily digestible. Easy on the eyes and irritating as hell (as men tend to be).

This guy really seemed like a dream nigga, claiming the titles of feminist, activist, pro-hoe, reader. He knew the difference between there, their, and they’re and appreciated art. He had to be a good 50% of the long ass list of qualities I’d desire in a mate.

I remember the night we met in person. After matching on one of those dating apps (one of the reasons I warned people about the trash you find there. I mean, I was on there so you know it’s not safe.), there was kind of an instant connection. Maybe I should take all of the blame, but I’m not going to do that, because there was no way in hell I could’ve known he was crazy when I messaged him. What was I looking for? Sex. I keep my wants low with men nowadays because I know I can’t depend on them for much more than orgasms.

So, with that thought all the way drowned in the liquor and fun I’d already warmed myself with that night, I went to meet up with him. “We have to start somewhere,” he said 20 minutes (or less, hell, I was buzzed) after we’d been sitting in the truck, offering me his hand. I was amused and my interest had already been piqued and that’s where I went wrong the second time. I put my hand in his hand.

Unfortunately, that first make out session did not end in orgasms, but, surprisingly, I wasn’t all that disappointed. I was already ready to see him again. That dick was on my mind, and I wanted it in my vagina. Maybe that’s where I went wrong a third time. There’s something slightly suspect about a man who doesn’t press you for sex on the first night. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with men who actually respect women. I’m saying, it’s suspect as fuck, especially given what I was to learn about him several months later.

That was the beginning. Shit felt like rainbows and warm rain…but the storm was coming, and it was going to storm every damn day. (Read about the storm here.) That’s how great I was doing until I was minding my own business on Facebook (aka, Stalking and Coping, my theme song) when I came across some new fuckery. The receipts were long, detailed, and straight from the fingers of that rotten Twinkie. We all know how bad sugar is for you, but it turns out this nigga was spreading that poison all over the place. I’m not even about to say he was cheating on me, because, we weren’t in a committed relationship, thanks to me, and I was also sleeping with other people. Which also reminds me how this nigga used to get so pissy every time I “hid” the fact that I was sleeping with someone else. But from day one I said I wasn’t going to be exclusive so…am I supposed to repeat that daily like an affirmation? “Hey hun, don’t forget, fucking other niggas today. Still adore you. Kay? Have a fabulous day!” I wasn’t doing that shit.

I guess I didn’t trust him as nearly as much as I wanted to and, I’m not into committing to people who always swear they miss you but are never around to prove it. I’m not going to pretend to be angelic. I become dismissive and distant as hell when I feel like someone isn’t giving back the same energy I’m giving. Does that make me an awful person? Who the hell knows? I don’t give a fuck. I’m not slaving for anybody’s love.

And yes, I’m a thorough stalker so all of that nosy-ness led me back to his own page where, naturally, he claimed innocence. What the hell else could any of us expect? I’ll take 3 seconds to express that I’m not 100% sold on either of these viewpoints, except… women don’t make up abuse. I just don’t want to believe it because of the lingering feelings that won’t die no matter how much I try stomping on them, no matter how trash he turned out to be, no matter how trash he always was.

But did I forget to mention the secret child he was always denying existed and the wife he had though he swore he’d never been married? What’s extra fucked up about this is that I was warned by a friend who knew him. So when I asked this rotten Twinkie about those accusations, what did this nigga do? He kept lying. “He slanders me by saying I have a kid I neglect and an estranged marriage.” But, that’s EXACTLY what it turned out to be. Government papers don’t lie. For the record, I wasn’t the one who found those papers, but it damn sure shed some light on a fake relationship I was having trouble processing. And what the fuck kind of person denies the existence of a whole ass child?

Let me stop tripping. He isn’t even the first nigga that has lied about having a child. He’s the second. The first man with a secret wife though, so maybe he deserves some points for being original, but I already gave him my pussy so I’m not giving him shit else. Let me also mention that when this friend told me about this nigga, I lied to him and said I barely knew him (the Twinkie). I guess that wasn’t nearly as much of a lie as I thought. I clearly did not know him; I was just familiar with his dick, and to me, those are not the same things.

This nigga had me feeling like I was crazy. During our brief time together, he ain’t do shit but tell lies. “Sex is not a game to me.” “We have a spiritual connection.” “I can’t just have sex with just anybody.” “I’m in the studio.” How many times have I heard THAT lie? (Why is it that rappers/musicians always swear they’re in the studio 24/7 but only put out one song per year?) Where will the lies end? What’s crazy is…like I was saying earlier, I was just trying to fuck this man in the first place when he started talking about hearts and souls and deep connections and shit. When I found this shit out MONTHS after the relationship fell apart, it was like….

I KNEW YOU WASN’T SHIT. Doubling back for a moment, I was literally having nightmares about this nigga when we were “together”. I guess my mind has a way of trying to sour my feelings about terrible people so that I will get rid of them on my own, and eventually, I did. Really there was no point in keeping someone around who wasn’t around anyway because he was always “touring” or “in the studio” or “rehearsing”, even when we were in the same city for months at a time. Apparently, what he was really busy doing was finessing innocent women out of money for dick,  affection, and relationships they never received. How low will this nigga go? *rolls eyes*

What is also hilarious to me is that this Twinkie claims to be feminist and pro-hoe and turned around and called me a “groupie” when we got into an argument. What’s ironic is, the only time he seemed to be capable of picking up the damn phone to call me is when he was mad about me sleeping with other people, which, as I said before, I never agreed to monogamy so…why is my vagina’s business any of his business? Right. It’s not. I think being called a groupie is by far one of the most insulting things I’ve been called by a man. You mean to tell me that not only am I fucking you because you think you’re popular/famous but want to double the insult by implying that you are more talented than I am? Fuck outta hereeee. Not going to list my accomplishments but, I’m nobody’s groupie, but he definitely lost a fan. Shit, probably hella fans, but you can’t really expect people to support you when you scam them, can you?

A man will lay under the stars and talk about his hopes and dreams and your future and the big, furry dog he wants and the wrap-around porch and just be lying through his teeth. He’ll be out here creeping in these streets, after you told his ass he can sleep with whoever he wants, because he just loves the deception.

I’m just like, “But was anything about you real? Do you even like the color red? Or watermelon? Or women?” Damn. These niggas are out here faking whole lives and relationships. Which brings me back to…

These niggas are not shit.

The moral of this story is, you can’t trust men. Men will lie about anything. Do hardcore Google searches, background checks, talk to his friends, believe his friends, do some more background checks when you don’t believe his friends. Women aren’t even safe to fall in love because men are out here being toxic, fake, and parasitic. They will say and do whatever is necessary to stoke the flames of desire in you in order to get what they want while neglecting you, fucking other women, and never being around. All I’m saying is, it is better if men like this were never born. Since I do not have the power to protect every woman from these kinds of poisonous men, the best thing I can do is to share my own stories and hope that they reach as many women as possible. 

The only thing that really makes me feel better is that I monetize my suffering. Hell, if you’re going to put me through fuckery, at least I can get paid for suffering. I’d also like to give those other women that have been hurt by this clown a virtual hug. You might not see this, but I’ve been sending positive energy to all of you since your truths were revealed. You deserved better. We all did. I hope you all find the love, affection, or sex you were looking for, that the world brings you someone who is truly amazing and not an abusive fraud, that you shit rainbows and laugh at gravity, and more so than anything, that whatever you have experienced does not rot you or dim the light in your eyes.

This has been highly cathartic for me. Thanks for reading and be sure to check out my  books.

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Who goes to get a hammy ham sandwich in the middle of the night and ends up getting her face bitten by an unhandsome stranger? This girl over here. I guess the lesson in that is: If you are a single woman, don't go buy anymore sandwiches in Brooklyn after 10 p.m. ✓ If you are a single woman, don’t go buy sandwiches in Brooklyn by yourself. ✓ Don’t go buy anything by your single woman self. That's obviously asking for trouble. ✓ Stay in the house for the rest of eternity to properly avoid men with teeth as all single women should do. ✓✓✓ Check out Tragically Hilarious Tales About Love on Amazon & Kindle for more.