As with anything else, there are pros and cons to this situation too. So why say yes to being a sugar princess? I’ve got a few ideas on this front:

1. Financial stability.

Money makes the world rotate and turn and brings the sun up every morning and sets it in the evening, and poverty doesn’t look cute on anyone. Money buys stuff. And people tend to like stuff. Some people like stuff more than other people, some people like stuff more than they like people. So if personal feelings are really not your forte and you have ascended into the realm of the completely emotionless void of 21st century practicality, then you know that money does, indeed buy happiness…and stuff.

2. Regular affection.

Some people get lonely. People were not made to be by themselves, so it is only natural that they would link up with someone. It is our biological imperative to procreate. Some people do that, some people resist and end up with children anyway, some people escape kid free. But the real point is that, whether you’re using children to trap some unsuspecting well-off man, or giving him the sons and daughters he’s always desired in exchange for companionship, or you may actually just find him (or her) interesting and attractive, affection has never put a dent in the sugar daddy/mama, sugar baby arrangement. Sometimes, we all need something to add just the right amount of Diabetes to an already sweet deal, and kisses never killed nobody.

3. Stability.

Some people like this shit. And when I say, some people, I mean more or less everyone. I’m almost certain that even crackheads and junkies would rather have an unlimited supply of smack than struggling, sucking dick, selling off possessions, thieving, and doing other unpleasant and possibly unscrupulous activities to get their regular fix. And, let’s just face it, it’s a lot easier to support a habit with unlimited funds than on a fixed income, or shit, even worse, no income (wheth that be drugs, shoes, or books). So that links back to financial thing. Though financial stability does not always come with a stable man.

So let’s talk briefly about stable men. You can’t just eye ball a well-tailored suit and nod your head knowingly and say, “Yep, he’s definitely mentally stable, I can see it in the hem of his 3 piece Armani.” Shit, he could suck you into his world of riches and get you hooked on drugs before he starts beating the hell out of you. I’m not denying that that would be very unfortunate, but Sugar daddies, just like everything else, don’t come with a sign to let you know what’s gold, what’s ripe, and what’s rotten. And abuse isn’t just being doled out with happy fists from men, for you guys who are into being kept. Women can be just as crazy, abusive, or murderous as men. Just because there are more male serial killers and rapists than women, doesn’t mean there aren’t those very special women out there waiting to trap some unsuspecting soul in a web, before sucking him, emotionally or financially dry, and biting his head off. That’s just a warning for sugar daddies and sugar babies. Crazy comes from all financial backgrounds, so be forewarned.

4. A man who finally knows what he wants.

Alright ladies. We’ve heard a lot of crap from men about us not knowing what we want, but what about the emotional trauma we have endured with dating men who really are not at all who they say they are. I mean, really? How many of you are 6 foot 3 with the biceps of Batman, the money of Oliver Queen, and the confidence of the two combined looking for a strong and confident woman with her own career and so on and bullshit?

Unless you have managed to nab a happy-go-lucky trust fund baby, you’ve probably found a working man. Maybe he owns a business, or several, or is a lawyer or doctor, but I’m going to say that it’s pretty likely that he didn’t get successful by making a string of bad decisions. A successful man is a man used to seeing what he wants because he knows its value, or he doesn’t and is good as hell at guessing or pays someone to make smart decisions for him. Butttt, if you’ve scored or are looking to score the business oriented man, he’s going to know your worth when he sees you and either, invest, or move on to other options.

5. Dating on a time limit.

He’s got to expire sometime soon, right? Depending on how powdery your sugar daddy is. If he’s brittle and becoming dusty, he might just blow right away soon enough and leave you in charge of your own kingdom. And if you don’t mind testicles that have seen most of the past century, then high fives for you, I’ll leave you to it. Every man is ageless in the dark…or so I’ve been told.

6. Love.

Well, if you’re into feelings and hearts and souls, and you really do love him, love is your wild card, your Joker, and, in my opinion, the best reason to say yes to sugar kingdom. Because, who doesn’t love a little sugar with their sugar and some sugar on top?

Why say no? Top five reasons? Let’s go.

1. Maybe you want to provide for yourself.

Shit, all I care about is that I’m provided for. At least, I’m pretty sure that that’s all that I really care about. But yes, I can see why being completely dependent on a man who isn’t your actual father can be problematic. What if he ups and decides he wants to upgrade to someone younger? Or someone more beautiful? Or skinnier? Or who has her own career? If you don’t fall into any of those categories, that’s great for you, but people get dumped for hundreds of reasons that I can’t even begin to make a thorough list for. So, in short, no one is safe. And the only thing that I can truly advise is to go in either with your own money, career, and bank account, or do the other smart thing and slowly pilfer his accounts and set up a secret stash for a rainy day that is sure to come.

2. Wrinkly balls.

I am aware that people age and bodies wear out. I am aware of this concept. But, at 24, I have had no personal experience with any intense physical changes due to aging and am hoping that “black don’t crack” will protect me from this eventual horror. But, I digress. To the young, I feel that we crave youth and its reminders: tight, smooth skin, high sex drives, hardcore drinking, partying, late nights, late mornings, and other somewhat tragic activities associated with youth. And these are activities that you may not be able to share with your sugar daddy if his bones are already creaking and he’s got a bit of cough that never seems to leave, and his snores are like earthquakes. These things are not for me (creaking, quaking, hacking) and are pretty damn good reasons to turn my nose up at the prospect of becoming someone’s sugar baby. Side note, not all sugar daddies/mamas have to be old, but… older people generally have had 100 more years to attain some wealth to share.

3. Early death.

Shit. Maybe you are actually fond of your provider (or partner, whichever is your arrangement) and would prefer if they didn’t just…stop breathing. It would just be disrespectful of whatever husband I manage to find to quit living before I give him permission to do so. What I’m trying to say is that, if sugar kingdom comes with a king who doesn’t plan on being around as long as I am, then, another choice must be made. I am far too unwilling to enter into a romantic arrangement in which I know will end in tragedy, loss, and loneliness.

4. Fidelity.

Look. Just because you don’t love the old and crusty man, doesn’t mean he can just trip into every available vagina in the whore house or the office. How likely is it that a man who is used to getting what he wants, a man of power and money, is going to abide by your rules? Hm? You thought about it a moment, right? All I’m saying is that dusty dicks are still fly traps for STDs and if I ever entered into this sort of arrangement, I’d rather outlive him than die because of him. Of course, there’s always the threat there that he might decide to go with fairer seas, but, this is why it might be a good idea to have your own safety net. If you missed that idea the first time, it was number 1 of the cons list.

5. Love.

Money and love are not always bed buddies. It has been proven from centuries of scandalous articles, by textbooks and history, and even from primary sources, as in confessions of kept women or men. Yes, I know I repeat myself, but there are some people who aren’t really into touchy-feel-y things like hearts and stuff. Or, gods and goddesses forbid, there is another man or woman that you are pining for. Money can buy you all sorts of things, even a person who will keep you warm at night, but money can not buy real love. If you think your lover is going to understand that you’re choosing money over him or her, I’m going to have to say that, in this economy, you might just be right about that. But understanding and sticking around are not the same thing. Don’t get blinded by the comforts that wealth can bring by giving up the home that love can build.

Let’s conclude this. Sugar daddies. Hmm. We say hurrah for money, power, stability, and a life of leisure. We might say no because we actually want love and men we won’t outlive and who still look good naked. But maybe the best thing of all is this imaginary man will give me whatever I want and he likes it when I call him daddy.

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Who goes to get a hammy ham sandwich in the middle of the night and ends up getting her face bitten by an unhandsome stranger? This girl over here. I guess the lesson in that is: If you are a single woman, don't go buy anymore sandwiches in Brooklyn after 10 p.m. ✓ If you are a single woman, don’t go buy sandwiches in Brooklyn by yourself. ✓ Don’t go buy anything by your single woman self. That's obviously asking for trouble. ✓ Stay in the house for the rest of eternity to properly avoid men with teeth as all single women should do. ✓✓✓ Check out Tragically Hilarious Tales About Love on Amazon & Kindle for more.