How do you define nightmare? I define it as being stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you, with someone who says he loves you and then throws accusations at you of things that you know you would never do, things he has done before and things you have never participated in, like infidelity.
Yes, you love him and you want to stand by him because you believe in love and you believe that he can be better and will be better for you. You believe that he can be secure. But he cannot.
And eventually, you will be praying for a breakup, even if you don’t have the willpower to start it. Which I understand. I didn’t have the strength to initiate it because i was stuck in the muck of it. I believed that jealousy meant he cared and caring must equal love so i kept hoping it would get better. He told me that he was jealous because he loved me and I wanted to believe him despite my mind telling me that everything was wrong l. And when I’d ask him point blank if he trusted me, he’d always say yes.
The storm would pass and so would three more days when we’d end up on another date at dinner. He’d look somber, not really looking me in the eye, barely responding or reacting to anything that I’m saying. So I’d ask, “What’s wrong, baby? ” because, that’s what a girlfriend is supposed to do (or so I’ve heard). And maybe this would be the dinner where he’d reply, “The waiter was flirting with you.” Or maybe his response would be, “Charlie asked about you the other day. Did you fuck him too?” And what, really, is the appropriate response to either of those questions. I’d try nonchalance: “oh, was he? I didn’t notice. I thought he was just being nice.” Sometimes, I’d respond with anger, “No, i didn’t fuck Charlie, but if you keep this up, i will be.” I tried reassurance, “no, of course not, baby. I love you. I wouldn’t do that to you.” But what i have come to realize is that no response, no action can bring security to an insecure man.
Nothing you can say or do will give him confidence in your commitment to him. And the only thing you can do in the end is let him go. Loving a jealous man is not worth the stress, the tears, or the fighting. If those don’t kill your relationship, the over-compensating that you might do to make up for his insecurities will.
And that is how I became a different person. Everything that bothered him about me I wanted to change so that we could keep loving each other. You made me feel like I was wrong for being the way I am. That he was jealous because I was too friendly, I smile too much and at the wrong people. So that made me untrustworthy. I was beautiful, and if he thought I was beautiful, so would other men. So there was no place that we could be that was safe from his jealousy. And I wasn’t safe. The true me had to die in order to keep loving him. And that is what I call a nightmare: becoming someone less in order to keep someone who was supposed to make you more.